Here Lies Pencil

I miss my pencil.  It was taken from me, not literally, but its soul was taken away.  Its essence.  OK, its pencil lead.  I dropped it, it escaped and ran away from me, into the afterlife, office supply heaven.  Since my pencil had passed away, I had to replace it.  I asked for something to write with, and in return I was given a Starbucks pen.  I had trouble getting along with the pen.  I hate Starbucks.  But after time, I adjusted to the pen and I had to live with it.  Whenever I'd make a mistake, I couldn't fix it.  The pen would only say, "tough shit."  Then I'd have to scribble over the mistake, cover it up, and live out a lie, something I didn't mean to write.  But lying never covered it up.  Past the lie, the mistake is still legible.  I want my pencil.  Unlike my pen, the pencil was more honest and easier to work with.  It was very comfortable to be with and the pressure to the paper showed our passion to write.  Its eraser was soft, but tough, it was like the hand of God erasing my sins.  It is, but what's the use when the pencil is out of use, the pencil, my pencil, is dead.  I want my pencil.  I want to revive its soul.  I would love to be reunited with my pencil again.  I would love to love it again.  I loved my pencil, and I love my pencil.  Please forgive me pencil...

I just realized something...

I think my voice is going!
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I wanna be a kid again!!!

F*ck the eureka, I had a reality check.

Love is hard, love is tough, and love, why would you want to TRY to love when you don't?
I was trying to do that, trying to love again.
Love is strong, but it is completely powerless and pointless when you don't mean it.
Love is honest, and is only meant to be when it is the truth.
I guess that phrase, "love is all that matters," is really true.
Well, not in life, no, other things matter.
But when it comes to love, love IS all that really matters.
Love can't exist unless it's just her and him, him and her, and the whole world passes by as the two are lost in each other, but never want to be found.
Lost, now that's a key word I've been stuck on for quite a while.
But it wasn't fun to be lost the way I was.
I just wanted to find my way out immediately, but I wanted to be found.
Fuck that, I'm hackin' through this garden labyrinth.
You wanna know why?
I'll tell you:
She's the garden, the beautiful garden.
She drags you in with her seductive roses that just seem to stare at you.
At the entrance, she looks so alone, deserted, there seems to be no one in the garden.
So you enter, and so far are constantly amazed by her beauty.
At first it is fun, exciting, and you wish you could stay forever.
But you never get to forever before things all go to hell.
You encounter your first dead end, and you are heart broken.
At that point all you want to do is chop your way out of this garden and go home.
But soon you recuperate yourself and are back on your feet, though you feel a little uneasy.
You start to feel sick, so you try to find your way to the exit.
But she takes you back, the farther you try to get from her, the closer she gets to you.
So you give in and try to find your way to the middle of the garden.
However every direction you take, it ends up leading somewhere else, as if there is a constant bipolar indecision.
This beautiful garden suddenly turns into a confusing maze.
Along the way, you discover other people in the maze, walking around, trying to find the nucleus of this garden of Eden.
After a while, you begin to get really lost, and you don't know what to do.
You are stuck, lost, and just hanging, not sure what to do.
Then you hear a beautiful blue bird singing in the distance.
It's coming from the center of the garden.
You want to go back to the center of the garden, where that lovely blue bird has been calling you forth.
But you are lost, so you try your best to make your way there, even though you don't know how.
Just as you're about to make your arrival toward the center of the garden, you notice something move out of the maze.
It is the blue bird, and it is flying away, making its descent out of the garden.
You are lost again, all alone, and that inspiring bird of love is gone, and you have no reason to go on.So don't go looking for love, even when you once lost it before.  Love is a powerful thing, don't just love someone, love them honestly, truly, and with all of your heart and soul.

Love, I had a eureka!!! {

The last few days I've been approached by this problem that I've been trying to address, but have had no idea how to do so.
Here's the problem:
A good friend of mine, someone who I loved deeply, and who loved me too, told me a few days ago that she loved me.
Unfortunately, I've been lost and away from love, from her love, that I didn't know what to say.
Of course I said that I missed her, to avoid my dilemma that I really could not honestly tell her that I love her.
But I wanted to, so badly, however I didn't feel it. 
I always used to be the one who said "I love you."
In fact, I was the first to say it, even when I tried avoiding her before the confusion hit its peak, I couldn't help myself, and said, "I love you, I love you."
So why now, when she comes to me, am I lost and confused?
Where did it go?
How could I honestly feel that same love for her again?
Tonight, I spoke to someone (well technically messaged.)
She spoke of love as if it were a disease, and asked me why it is a disease?
Why is love referred to as a disease?
I thought a little, and came up with this:"it is a disease because, like a disease, it can get really complicated, and like scientists, we need to find a cure"
And somehow, I thought of a cure, I had a eureka!

"i lost the feeling of love, and perhaps it is because i dont miss it, i think i need to get away from love, like, the opposite sex, attractions, etc for a little bit, then maybe ill realize what i havent been feeling for a little while"
I think I realize now what I have to do.
I have to devote my love to my love by giving up love.
No flirting.
No talking.
No porn.
No sex.
No liking.
No loving.
No etc.
I'm giving it all up for her, my love.
I'm doing this, my love, because I love you.

Wanna tell her how I feel, those three words...

Pink Panther Sandwich

A Lonely Comfort In the Air Tonight

Lyric tonight, maybe?

Smoke into the evening
A substitute comfort for the night
Won't last long, until another light
The phone does no good dear
When the line is dead, so is my heart
Why not finish what it is I did start
It don't matter what I got
Cuban cools me down while Marbol make me mean
But I'd get high if I could, but I don't have the machine
Hookah time, it's yummy
But it hurts me my love
But you're gone
My love
My love you're gone from meI'm lost
Should I my love?
Are you my love?
I question my love
So what is love?
Can you my love
Be my love?
Or this nasty substance
Just love enough?
Hesitate
I don't know
What I want
Ease my mind
It's killing my brain
Just ease my mind
So I'm happy again
But it's just a curse
I'm not happy at all
You see this love
Is no where near
The love I share
With you
I miss you love
You say you miss me too
So can't you see?
Don't you see?
Save me fom these nasty ways
Or someone please
Because the smoke in the evening
Plays a substitute confort for the night
Doesn't last long, until another light
So I need you love to hold me tightBut you're gone
My love
My love you're gone from me

One example of why you’d want a bf/gf

I think that the one thing that distinguishes a relationship (besides honesty, that should be the reason to go into a relationship) is dedication and devotion.  To many people, being single is a good thing, and I think people tend to enjoy the single life after one or some failed or hard and confusing relationships.  But what happens when you really need someone right then and there, right now, and there's no one to run to?
When I'm being crushed by subways and torn apart by dinosaurs (I know, weird combo,) who can I call up real quick to make 'em go away?  Who's gonna be there for me and whisper, "it was just a dream"?  I'm trying to enjoy the single life just like everyone else, but everything has a downside, and this is it, not having someone to run to, to make it all go away and say, "I love you."
I'm gonna go back to bed now.  I better not have another painful awakening again because if I do I just might run off a cliff!

Summer Mischief All Alone

So I snuck out of the house for the very first time tonight.  Prior to that, I had an enjoyable, chill 4th of July, even though my friend was unintentionally cock-blocking all the girls I was flirting with, and he does that every single time!  I ended the night with a few games of online pool and VERY small talk with a much needed friend.  I originally wanted to jump into my friend's pool and get wet (duh) in the summer evening cool, but instead I had to go in my jacuzzi.  Afterward, I snuck out to the park to smoke a cigar and listen to some music. 
Where is summer going for me?

......  =/